


in our dreams we can be complete (if we go to sleep, we can wake up home again)

by timetodance



Category: Star Wars: Thrawn Series - Timothy Zahn (2017)
Genre: Alien Cultural Differences, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dialogue Heavy, Eli Has Feelings, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Miscommunication, Thrawn Is Awkward, Unhealthy Amounts of Repression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:53:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24575608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timetodance/pseuds/timetodance
Summary: Thrawn comes back to the Ascendancy after his disappearance. Eli has a lot of conflicting emotions about seeing him again.
Relationships: Thrawn | Mitth'raw'nuruodo/Eli Vanto
Comments: 16
Kudos: 63





	in our dreams we can be complete (if we go to sleep, we can wake up home again)

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically just me dealing with the infamous "Good day, Lieutenant Vanto" and imagining what their reunion might look like. 
> 
> The story was originally just supposed to be angst, but I couldn't end it all unhappy so I kind of squeezed a hopeful ending in there. I don't really know if it qualifies as 'fluffy' though, so I left out the tag. In my personal opinion it turned out disgustingly sweet, lol.
> 
> Warning for sad/hurt/confused Eli. But, I mean, we've all read Treason, right?

Eli Vanto was extremely frustrated. Thrawn was back in the Ascendancy and Ar’alani had sent Eli home. Eli had tried to argue against it but it was useless. He hadn’t even managed to catch a glimpse of the man before Ar’alani had Eli on a shuttle and on his way to his home on Csilla with a recommendation that he take a couple of days off.

It’s not like Eli could have seen Thrawn anyway since Ar’alani had no doubt dragged him to CDF Command for debriefing. Possibly even to the Ruling Council, who would certainly want to hear whatever Thrawn would be able to tell them about the situation in the Empire. Eli knew this, of course, but he would still have preferred to stay aboard the _Steadfast_ and continue with his usual assignments. Had the admiral sent him home because she believed he would be distracted?

Whatever the reason, alone in his tiny apartment, he unfortunately had time to think about the fact that _Thrawn was back_.

Thrawn had appeared seemingly from nowhere, alone and in some sort of fighter craft of unknown design. Eli could only guess how he had managed to find his way home to the Ascendancy after his alleged disappearance during the battle of Lothal.

When news of his disappearance had reached the Ascendancy, almost everyone had assumed he had died, and deemed his mission a failure. Ar’alani had thought so too, as she had already long maintained that Thrawn would better serve the Ascendancy by returning home. However, she had seemed to think that Thrawn had survived the battle. Eli had been one of the few others who agreed.

* * *

Once he had arrived and settled in, Eli had made himself some dinner and was currently trying to relax with a cup of spicy tea. The drink was popular among the Chiss, and had come with the apartment, like everything else in his kitchen. Situated in the capital, his apartment was located in a building complex reserved for CDF personnel. He didn’t really see it much, being constantly away on missions, but it was nice enough and he had recently begun to regard it as his home.

Relaxing was proving to be nearly impossible. It had been hours since Ar’alani had sent him home. It was getting late. Eli was fairly certain that whatever meetings Thrawn had been made to attend were over. Most likely Thrawn had gone home with Thrass. Or more accurately, to one of the many luxurious apartments the Mitth family no doubt owned in Csaplar.

Ar’alani had mentioned Thrawn’s brother earlier, suggesting that he would certainly learn of his little brother’s return soon enough, and being part of the Ruling Council, even CDF Command could not prevent him from interfering if he so wished. Eli smiled a little at the thought. Knowing Thrass, he had almost certainly interfered in the proceedings. Thrawn’s older brother was one of the few friends that Eli had made in the Ascendancy, and the only one who didn’t also serve in the CDF.

Eli was startled out of his thoughts by the sound of his door giving a little chime.

He immediately stood up from where he was slumped in the corner of his sofa. Putting his tea on the table in front of him, he slowly made his way to the door. There was really only one person it could be.

After a moment of trying to clear his head and prepare, he pressed his hand to the door controls.

* * *

Eli had been right, it _was_ Thrawn on his doorstep, though he looked somewhat different. His hair was longer, tied back in a ponytail. For a moment, Eli almost forgot that he was still angry at the man.

“Hello, Eli.”

Oh, so _now_ it’s ‘Eli’, he thought to himself bitterly. On second thought, it looked like he would have no trouble staying mad at Thrawn.

“Come in,” Eli managed, trying to sound as indifferent as he could.

As Thrawn stepped inside, he started to say something but Eli interrupted him.

“What are you doing here? I thought you went home with your brother.”

“I did. That was earlier today,” Thrawn answered.

He didn’t seem bothered by Eli’s rudeness. He probably didn’t even realize Eli was pissed at him. Typical, really, Eli thought to himself. For all his observational skills, Thrawn wasn’t very good at reading social interactions.

“I wanted to see you,” he continued, taking advantage of Eli’s momentary silence.

“Really. Well, here I am. Was there something you wanted to discuss? I assume you’ve given Ar’alani and the CDF Command a full report of everything that happened. What is it that you want with me?”

Eli hoped, again, that his tone carried nothing but professional indifference. As much as Eli had missed him, Thrawn would have to learn some things. That he needed to stop taking Eli for granted, for example.

“You misunderstand. The purpose of my visit is personal, not professional,” Thrawn clarified, his eyes everywhere except on Eli, no doubt trying to glean as much information as he could by observing Eli’s living space. There was a hint of confusion in his voice.

“Is it now,” Eli countered, his tone shifting from indifferent to decidedly cold.

He tried to get a hold of his growing frustration, and all the other feelings that he had spent the day avoiding. _That you’ve spent years avoiding,_ a little voice in his head reminded him. Eli tried to ignore the voice, feeling a slight panic settling in. _I can’t do this. This was a mistake._

“Yes. I would like to hear about your life here in the Ascendancy. I am interested in anything you wish to share. If–”

“Alright, enough. Are you serious? You seriously think you can just show up on my doorstep after all this time like nothing’s happened?” Eli finally snapped, and almost instantly regretted it.

There went his plan of feigning disinterest and giving the man a taste of his own medicine. Still, Thrawn had it coming, and it _did_ feel good to let it all out.

Thrawn looked surprised. Clearly, he had been expecting a different kind of welcome.

“I–”

“‘How’s your life, Eli?’ Seriously? The guy who used to be my only friend sent me away, then ignored me the next time we saw each other, the rest of the few people who know me think I’m a deserter and a traitor, the only thing I have left is my career, which isn’t all that much since I had to start from nothing. Again.”

For a moment, Thrawn looked like he was going to say something, but then thought better of it.

Eli wasn’t sure why he was yelling at Thrawn about his lonely first year in the Ascendancy. It had gotten better. He’d made a few friends since then and was actually starting to settle in nicely among the Chiss. But Eli knew he was still hurt by Thrawn’s apparent indifference toward him when they had met again briefly. It would have come out at some point anyway, he figured, distantly, still caught up in the anger that he had held onto for so long, and finally unleashed.

Eli turned away and made his way to the living room sitting area. He could hear Thrawn’s footsteps follow him. Once he was safely tucked in the far corner of the room, with several pieces of furniture separating him and Thrawn, he whirled around again, and continued:

“I _know_ what you’re going to say, so don’t bother. I know I’ve made my own choices. You just don’t get it, do you? I gave up my career, my whole life, for you. I came here because you asked me to, and I thought that meant something. I thought maybe you had some kind of plan that involved me in some way. That maybe I was important. And I get it, my work _is_ important, I know that now, but–”

Thrawn, clearly affected by Eli’s words, interrupted him, with a slight frown on his face.

“You are important. To the Ascendancy, and to me, personally. You have to understand, I _had_ to send you here.”

Eli almost couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Finally, some recognition.

A traitorous corner of his mind was overjoyed at Thrawn’s admission of finding him _personally_ important to him, but Eli quickly shoved the disgustingly hopeful thoughts away. He wouldn’t allow himself to hope, and besides, he was still too angry, and Thrawn would have to say a lot more before Eli would even consider forgiving his cold and distant behavior.

“Really? And don’t give me that krayt-spit about my ‘talents’ that–”

“You _are_ talented, and have many skills that made you an excellent fit for the CDF. But you are correct. I had another reason for wanting to send you here. Do you remember what I told you shortly before we were attacked in the Academy, by the other cadets? About how it is best to be out of the target zone if you believe there is an attack coming?” Thrawn took a few steps forward, waiting for Eli’s answer.

“Of course. But I don’t see how that’s relevant here.” Reflexively, Eli tried to take a step back, wanting to keep a physical distance to the other man, his mind already having failed to keep his emotional distance. There wasn’t much room, however, and he ended up just crossing his arms in front of him defensively.

“You see, shortly after Batonn, Governor Pryce offered me some insight into the political games that I would, as a grand admiral, soon be made part of, whether I liked it or not. As someone in that position in the Navy, I would be forced to defend that position from various political enemies. And to do that, I had to send you away,” Thrawn continued, this time keeping his eyes firmly focused on Eli.

“I still don’t get it. What does any of that have to do with me?” Eli was mostly playing dumb on purpose, wanting to hear the words from Thrawn himself. A small, uncertain part of him was afraid he had misunderstood what Thrawn was getting at.

“Eli, I sent you away to protect you. By sending you to the Ascendancy, I took you out of the target zone, far away from any and all attacks. If you had stayed by my side, you would have been in danger.” Thrawn’s voice held frustration, and a hint of some other emotion Eli did not recognize.

“In more danger than you yourself? That’s ridiculous. Besides, I’ve gotten into plenty of danger serving in the CDF.” Eli was mostly arguing the point because he was pissed at Thrawn. He did recall the way politicians had tried to use him to get to Thrawn, even early on in his career.

“Yes. You see, the way Pryce explained it, and as it was also confirmed by my own observations later, I myself would not have been the target of such an attack. For the politicians and my fellow high-ranking officers of the Navy, the preferred method of… accomplishing their goals, was more subtle. If one of them saw you as a threat, they would find the thing you care about most and take it away. Or destroy it. Depending on whether they wanted to control you, or simply crush you.” Finished with his explanation, Thrawn simply continued to gaze at Eli, waiting for a reaction.

Eli stared back at him, frozen to his spot in the corner of the room. When no reaction came, Thrawn continued, this time more quietly:

“So, you see, I had to send you away. Sooner or later someone would have found out about–”

_No way_. Eli was _not_ prepared to have this conversation. He really needed to get a hold of the emotions that threatened to well up inside him. He had to say something before Thrawn could actually say the words.

“How? If what you claim is true… how would they have found out? About your… whatever it is you feel for me. I sure don’t know what it is! How the hell would anyone else find–”

“I love you, Eli.”

And there it was. Eli felt something snap inside him.

“I can’t believe this. You’re telling me this _now?_ Do you have any idea… No, of course you don’t. You never seem to realize the effect that your actions have on other people. You know when I would have liked to hear that? Yeah, when I finally saw you again after all that time spent here among strangers, when every one of them reminds me of you, thinking about whether I’d ever see you again, second-guessing my decision to give up everything to come here, and instead what I got was-”

“I am sorry, Eli. It was never my intention to hurt you.” At least he sounded like he was genuinely sorry.

“But you have! And now you’re here, claiming that you love me, and I hear the words and it just makes everything worse. Why didn’t you tell me before? If you care about me why would you-”

“To keep you safe. If I had said something before, you never would have agreed to leave.”

Eli noticed he had been holding back tears that he now felt gathering in his eyes. He quickly sat down and put his head in his hands, hiding his face.

All he really wanted was to cross the room and be held by the person he loved. Who he hadn’t seen in what felt like forever. _Who loved him back._ But it wasn’t that simple. He let out a sigh.

“You… you always make these assumptions about everything and make your decisions based on something that eventually really comes down to probabilities. I just… I don’t want you to treat me like one of your puzzles. I deserve more than that.” Eli had hoped to put some firmness in his voice, but he just sounded tired to his own ears. Stars, he really was about to cry.

“You are right. Maybe I should have taken the risk and told you everything, but I was only thinking of your safety… I… remember not being able to sleep, trying to think of a plan, going over the different scenarios in my mind, because every day you spent in the Empire it would become more and more dangerous for you. All because of me.” Thrawn actually sounded… ashamed?

It was clear that the man regretted his decisions. Or at the very least felt bad for the hurt he had caused. Eli still wasn’t satisfied. Trying to ignore the tears gathered in the corners of his eyes, he forced himself to continue:

“Then… why did you act the way you did the last time we saw each other? Why did you never send me a message? You could have, I know you had the means. You sent reports. You could have… I don’t know? Just sent me a few words, to let me know that you care. That you’re still alive. Instead, all I got were those horrible rumors that would sometimes reach the Ascendancy. Well, you and I have always known what the Empire could be like. But some of those things that people would say that were happening-”

“Are most likely all true.”

* * *

Eli was crying. Thrawn felt all of his other thoughts evaporate, as he came to the realization. Instinctively, he felt himself start to reach out to the other man, but stopped himself. Such an action might not be welcome at the moment. It was clear that Eli was displeased with him. Despite his many years spent among humans, and with this human in particular, he still felt at a loss.

Helplessly, he watched Eli’s slight frame shake as he continued to silently cry, his hands hiding his face from view. Thrawn needed to do something. Say something. He found the sight in front of him… intolerable. _Your fault_ , whispered a voice from some dark corner of his mind. _You did this_.

“Do you wish for me to leave?” Thrawn heard himself ask.

The look on Eli’s face as he looked up at him sent a sharp, painful sensation through his chest, like a blade to the heart. Thrawn found himself silently swearing that he would do anything to make that look disappear. He wanted to hold the human close to him and wipe away the tears that were now clearly visible on his cheeks. But it did not matter what _he_ wanted, Thrawn reminded himself.

“No,” came Eli’s shaky answer.

“I know I am to blame here. I do not wish to make matters worse.”

“No… I… That’s not why I’m crying, I’m just. It’s all just so… I guess I’m mostly just overwhelmed.” Despite his still falling tears, Eli gave a slight smile. He looked uncomfortable, possibly embarrassed.

Human emotions were difficult to decipher, but the smile was surely a good sign.

“Would you-”

“Just come over here. It’s fine.”

Thrawn crossed the space between them in a few steps and sat down next to Eli on the sofa. It took all of his willpower not to immediately wrap his arms around the smaller man.

“Look, I’ll be honest. I’m still mad at you. But I’m also really tired. Just… hold me, please?”

Thrawn let out a small sigh as Eli turned slightly and all but melted against him. Finally, finally he had Eli in his arms. He knew he would eventually have to let go, but right now he felt a strange calmness that he was certain he had never felt before. His usually very busy mind was completely, refreshingly empty of thoughts.

After a moment, Eli stopped crying, letting out a sigh of his own.

“This is nice,” Thrawn heard Eli whisper after a while.

“Yes,” he agreed.

“I missed you,” Eli continued, still whispering into the silence surrounding them.

“I thought of you constantly, while we were separated. So much so, that it was hard for me to stay focused on the mission at times,” Thrawn heard himself confess quietly.

Eli let out a little huff, even as he pressed himself closer to Thrawn. “I find that hard to believe.”

The words were barely audible, whispered into the space between Thrawn’s shoulder and neck, where Eli had hidden his face. Reflexively, Thrawn tightened his arms around him, holding Eli closer still.

“It is the truth. I may not show emotions the way humans do, but the truth is that I love you, Eli. I have for the longest time. I thought perhaps giving you my personal diary would have made it clear to you, but I see now that I was wrong.”

Eli pulled himself upright at his words. His cheeks were the lovely shade they turned when he was embarrassed about something. Dark eyelashes fluttered; all evidence of tears already gone. Then, Eli was looking Thrawn in the eyes, and he was so close, so very close, Thrawn realized. Uncharacteristically, he felt himself fighting a blush of his own, as he felt heat rise to his face.

“I love you, too,” Eli whispered, still looking up at Thrawn, wide-eyed and innocent. Forgiving.

Thrawn did not have time to contemplate the fact that he was, in fact, undeserving of Eli’s forgiveness, as the human leaned closer still and kissed him.

It was only a brief kiss, but it left Thrawn feeling breathless as Eli pulled away and smiled up at him.

If his head had been relatively empty before, now there were truly no thoughts left in him.

Eli let out a soft laugh. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look like this.”

“Like what?” he heard himself ask.

Eli’s smile turned slightly mischievous, as he leaned closer again.

“I’m not sure. I think I need to gather more data,” came his answer.

Then, they were kissing again, and neither of them spoke again for a long time.

**Author's Note:**

> Random headcanon thing/background for this story: I like to think that Ahsoka and Sabine find Ezra and Thrawn, Ezra can look inside Thrawn's head and then use the force to navigate him back home to Chiss space? At which point they go their separate ways, something like that.
> 
> You can also find me on [tumblr](https://skeletonremoval.tumblr.com/). I sometimes post art there :)


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